| A pie in the face of God |
[Jul. 29th, 2008|12:44 am] |
 Hildegard has cooked the best banana pie ever fashioned by the hand of man! Even Jesus is impressed.
I said to Him, "Jesus, with your illustrious record as an international pie judge, what do you have to say about Hildegard's efforts?"
Jesus said, "Mia, this banana pie is a delight to the palate, the shell crisply baked, the banana cream rich and decadent, the whipped cream light and delicious, the chocolate sprinkles just the perfect touch that brings it all together. This is a magnificent pie."
"I knew you'd love it, Jesus!"
"Not as such," said Jesus. "For a creation this glorious is an insult to the works of God himself. Like the Tower of Babel, it aspires to reach heaven. I have no choice but to put a stop to this pie."
So now Hildegard only speaks Middle High Chinese. She's been acting pretty irritable ever since. I think she might be angry at me for inviting Jesus over to taste her pie. Oh Hildegard, don't be bitter! It might not seem so now, but one day you'll realize this is all part of the Plan. |
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| The songs LIE |
[Jul. 21st, 2008|08:54 pm] |
Heaven is where you can cuddle with naked men and fluffy kitties all day.
And contrary to what they tell you, it is not a place on earth.
I was tryin to tell this to Daphne the other day, but she was too busy "consolidating her political and economic power" to listen. She said, "the true path to power these days lies in a good marketing campaign."
Whatever. I think she should at least have the courtesy to pay attention when I am talking. |
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| Let's go through the castle again! |
[Jul. 15th, 2008|11:22 pm] |
 "What if we were all living in a metaphysical fishbowl, a simulated reality created as an elaborate experiment observed by higher creatures?" I said.
"Okay, so what does that get you, philosophically?" said Hildegard.
"Get what? What's to get? We could be living in a fishbowl! That's awesome!" I said.
"Mia, philosophy isn't about what sounds good!" said Hildegard. "It is a critical method for understanding the cosmos around us, like science, and mathematics, and running around acting ignorant and then blaming that third grade incident with the duct tape for scarring you for life! It is how we as rational animals cope with the world around us."
"Well, can I have a method of rational coping that involves totally awesome fishbowl theories?"
"You can, but you'll be subscribing to about half a dozen logical fallacies all at once if you do," said Hildegard.
"Maybe I want to subscribe to logical fallacies!" I said. "Maybe a global, decentralized society such as ours inevitably creates relativistic perceptions that make it necessary to reject false, imposed unities of meta-narrative and hegemony. Maybe we should break down traditional frames of stylistic unity and overthrow categories that are the result of logocentrism and other forms of artificially imposed order!"
"Screw this," said Hildegard. "Let's go swimming around in the little plastic fronds again."
And we did. |
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| Theophile Gautier |
[Feb. 3rd, 2007|12:18 am] |
Daphne blew on the simmering cauldron. “Needs more liver of blaspheming Jew.”
“We’re outta Jew liver,” I said. “Try sandalwood.”
“Sandalwood doesn’t have the proper bite! This enchantment is gonna suck big time.”
“How much enchantment do you need to seduce a dude? Just show off some cleavage.”
“I shoulda bought a Lara Croft outfit. This was a big waste of money.” Daphne threw the Book of Shadows over her shoulder, where it caught fire beneath the cauldron.
“You gotta get the kind of mascara where you put on the clear stuff, then you put on the black stuff. The clear stuff separates and the black stuff lengthens.”
“No, I need a roofie. If I don’t steal the virgnity of a young male by midnight, I won’t fulfill Nostradamus’s prophesy, and I’ll never become queen of France!”
“I’m not sure you’d wanna be queen of France, anyway. They all talk like their tongues are too big for their mouths. Try goin for the queenship of Spain. Or captain of a pirate ship.”
“Who wants to be captain of a pirate ship? They all have lice! And the queen of Spain only bathes twice in her entire life!”
“Bring some Dial with you. There’s no rule that says you can’t.”
“I wanna be the most womanly woman and the most queenly queen, a person to be wondered at, to whom the poets have been able to add nothing, and whom dreamers always find at the end of their dreams.”
Our culture holds women to such an impossible ideal of beauty. I think Daphne’s bought into the myth. |
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| The droughts were caused by excess pirahna plants, sucking up the water through their pipes |
[Jan. 12th, 2007|11:22 pm] |
“So this is Communist China,” said Daphne, kicking up a bit of dust. “Not bad, but a bit dry, don’t you think?”
“It’s like that here in the south,” I said. “Not a lot of moisture since the great droughts.”
We were there to investigate a small textiles shop, which was just a front for an underground weapons ring. Our superiors said it was for the glory of the people’s republic, but we had lost our faith in the “people’s republic” years ago.
“I sometimes wonder if we’re as bad as the criminals we hunt down,” I said, squinting into the sunset to hide the tears that had started to well there. My brother had died two years ago defending the country from a band of counter-revolutionaries. And for what?
“I look into the eyes of these people and it’s like looking into a mirror,” said Daphne. “They are what we have created.”
I nodded. “Still, I must hunt down the notorious Terry Cheng and bring him in, or I won’t get the paycheck I need to feed my family.”
"We both need our paychecks," Daphne said. "Especially in these hard times."
We gazed off into the south and pondered what would happen when we met Cheng. |
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| The haunting call of the yeti |
[Jan. 5th, 2007|08:37 am] |
Today I journeyed to the northern lands of Thryra to steal the mystical pearl from the ice tower of Danmar.
Ice towers are more cozy on the inside than you would expect. They shield you from the snow and wind. But it’s a little difficult to hide from snow trolls in them, as I learned the hard way.
Daphne came along for the trip, carrying some extra quivers of arrows for me. “These things are heavy,” she complained. “I wish we were still in the Age of Prophesy, so you could just use your soul spear.”
“Yes, but the Age of Prophesy came to an end when the Eight Mystics laid eyes on the ruins of Tilnos. Now we’re in the Age of Division,” I said.
“You know, that’s a really odd name for an Age. What were the Gods thinking when they named it?” asked Daphne.
“No one knows. Some say it refers to the division between light and dark, which grows more and more pronounced with every age until eventually the two sides must destroy the earth with their warring, bringing about the ultimate culmination of the Gods’ plan,” I said.
“Some say it refers to the division of the family of man, an age of darkness and wars, bloodshed and strife. It will only come to an end when humanity rediscovers the love for peace that it knew in its early days,” said Daphne.
“Mystics and philosophers have for centuries now been studying the ancient texts in order to divine the significance of the name,” I said.
“They are no closer to the answer now than when they first started, like the search for extra-terrestrial life, or the mapping out of a diagram of love,” said Daphne.
“Love has been classified into six separate phyla, but beyond that the experts argue about even the basics,” I said.
“Some argue that a virus cannot be considered a true form of love, because it does not contain all the characteristics of love, while others argue it is simply a unique form of love,” said Daphne.
“Maybe if somebody had asked during the last age, the Gods would have given us an answer in the form of a prophesy,” I said.
Daphne nodded. “As it is, we’re all on our own, abandoned without guidance in a world makes no sense.”
We both sighed deeply. Then she hitched up the quivers of arrows and I re-strung my bow and we continued our trek through the ice.
I don’t know what I was thinking stealing this mystical pearl. There’s no room for it on the shelves. |
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| Egg nog, delicious egg nog. |
[Jan. 1st, 2007|12:24 pm] |
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Has there ever been a more delightful drink than egg nog? It's as though God himself descended from his Heavenly Kingdom and hacked a wad of his divine mucus into a glass, offering us a taste of his majesty. |
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| Rosco rubbed his penis against Lilia’s rose petals, which had started to drip heavily with honey. |
[Dec. 30th, 2006|02:56 am] |
The new porn novel isn't going well.
So I decided to resume my quest for the Holy Grail (everyone needs a hobby.)
Daphne says, "The term 'grail' actually comes from 'sangrail.' It was originally a pagan story about a bowl that would provide endless riches. Only later was the myth altered to become more Christian." Daphne is such a skeptic.
My last grail search sent me to Egypt. I met the Brotherhood of the Mystical Society of Seth there. We tried to kill each other, fired some submachine guns at each other, had a few laughs, you know how it is. I made a new arch-nemisis, name of Abdalla. We wrestled in the dust of the streets of Cairo. Got sweaty and filthy. Made the guys go "Abdalla and Mia sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-NG!" The Brotherhood of the Mystical Society of Seth can be kind of immature sometimes.
*sigh* One is a lonely number.
Thinkin about the whole thing has made me kinda sad now, so I'm gonna spend today watchin cartoons instead of actually looking for the grail. |
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| The darkest day of the year. |
[Dec. 24th, 2006|04:31 pm] |
Winter Solstice, as we know, is the darkest day of the year. Screw Halloween, THIS is the time when goblins come out to play.
People have everything so backward.
The proper time of year to be celebrating our savior's birth is May 17, when a little girl named Koniko was born to a humble family subsisting on welfare in Hawaii. When she grew up, she crossed the sea of lava in a boat woven from her own enchanted hair to plead with the Fire God to spare humanity from his wrath. So touched was he by her courage and optimistic faith in her people that he held back his anger and spared humanity from the scourge of flame he had planned to unleash upon us as punishment for our sins. Afterwards he immortalized her image forever upon the face of a tortilla, but sadly her visage was mistaken for that of Jesus.
Daphne is visiting family in Oklahoma. I'm bored without her. |
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| They're real Swarovski crystal |
[Dec. 24th, 2006|01:15 am] |
In an attempt to rediscover "real life," I joined a jewelry making club. I spent the afternoon making earrings with a bunch of ladies while we drank ice tea and discussed the Negro Problem.
I missed you internet let's never fight again! |
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| Do what now? |
[Dec. 23rd, 2006|06:28 am] |
Today I had a bizzare experience where I realized I was tired of the internet.
I'm not sure what to do with myself now. |
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| Third time's a charm |
[Dec. 20th, 2006|11:01 pm] |
Okay, so as you've probably noticed by now, our invasion of the western world was not a success. We got as far as Kyoto before the whole thing fell apart. Apparently waging war with no weapons but arrows and no armor but kimonos is unfeasible in this day and age. Ah well, live and learn I guess.
I'm supposed to perform ritual seppuku now, but screw that. Who's gonna make me do it, the seppuku police? Pah!
Anyways.
I'm getting an Xbox 360 for Christmas. By which I mean my mommy is giving me a lot of money for Christmas and I'm going to use it to buy an Xbox 360. Hooray!
I will be painstakingly scrutinizing this game for factual errors. |
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| For honor, we fight! |
[Dec. 19th, 2006|06:22 pm] |
Today I achievied shogunate of the Empire of Japan. The highest position available to any living Japanese
I know what you're thinking, 1. Japan has no shoguns anymore and 2. Mia's not Japanese. As for the first, see, that's what they WANTED you to believe. Keep the stupid gai-jin distracted with tentacle porn and pocky and they'll never notice anything! As for the second point, what are you, some kind of racist? Jesus.
Though the honor is great, I cannot let myself grow arrogant. For we are all as nothing but a dewdrop within a dewdrop.
The invasion of the western world starts tomorrow. We will fight until there are none of us left standing. |
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| I totally have this one in the bag |
[Dec. 15th, 2006|09:54 pm] |
Daphne's palatial bedchamber is not far from mine.
Using Black Falcon magic, I seperated my shadow-soul from my body to distract the guards while I slipped in through the window (I could have gone through the door, I guess, but the window was more exciting). Then I seperated my reflection-soul and plunged it into her dreams to engage her in a battle of wills.
"Daphne!" proclaimed my reflection-soul. "You will be punished for your sin of theft!"
"What? No way," said her reflection-soul. "You stole the diamonds first."
"I'm sending you to Popol Vuh! Land of judgment and torment!"
"You can't send me to Popol Vuh! The only souls that go there are the ones who believe they deserve to!"
"I don't need you to teach me about celestial configuration! I've been to all nine worlds and I know what I'm talking about!"
"Do you also know your reflection-soul can't do anything but yell at me? You need your dream-soul if you want to seal me in one of the other worlds."
"All I want are my diamonds back! The diamonds you stole, you jerk!"
"Oh, those. I liquidated those already. They're now well on their way to being an orphanage for Guatemalan children."
"Aww. No fair. Really?"
"Well, some of it is solidifying my local political influence. Mr. President is in for a big surprise, come June."
"You gonna pull another one of those deals like you did in Ecuador?"
"Nah. It's been done already. You'll just have to wait and see what happens."
"Yay! That sounds cool! All right, I guess I'll stop haunting your dreams. But next time, ask before you do something like that, you know?"
And so we're bestest of friends again. Which is cool cuz otherwise I'd have to find someone else to road trip with on my senior trip to Florida. |
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| She's a wiley one |
[Dec. 13th, 2006|10:44 pm] |
Daphne says she doesn’t know where the stolen diamonds are.
But I know better.
This weekend we sailed to Guatemala to visit President Oscar Berger Perdomo for tea and diplomatic talks. We ran across some partying American billionaires out on their yacht, and I decided some disciplinary action was in order. These people should have their parties in safer waters, you know? Most distressing, I think. So I organized a fake buccaneer attack on their ship to scare the hell out of them and pretend to steal their booty.
In retrospect, I shouldn’t have hired actual cutthroats to aid me.
About ten minutes into our fake attack, the men decided they wanted to keep all the booty. I would have delivered a stirring oration to lead them back to the path of righteousness but I was too caught up in the spirit of adventure and freedom! For just those ten minutes, we were masters of our own fate and hang any man who said different! King and country had no authority over us any more! All we needed was our mates and a bellyful of rum, and life was merry!
To make a long story short, I hit the Guatemalan coast with a with a hollowed out Gameboy Advance filled with diamonds. Not worth more than a few hundred thousand dollars, but invested wisely in mutual funds it could produce an impressive yield! Also it’d be nice to have some cash to fall back on if my scholarships don’t cover everything next year.
When we were going through security, I tossed the GBA over to Daphne (she was waved through because of her nicer cleavage) and by the time we got to the presidential palace, she insisted she couldn’t remember what she’d done with it.
Treachery!
But this isn’t over yet, Daphne. I have a few tricks and micro-weapons still up my sleeve. |
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